(forgive me if some of this doesn't make sense, although I've been told what I say seems to make more sense then I think it does)
All I've ever known, since I started knowing things seems to be being turned upside down. I've been in dark places. I've hurt. I've hit rock bottom. I've been not even close to ok. Every time I've been in any of those places, God always seemed 10,000 miles away. I was always tempted till no end. I never could hear Him. I never felt like I could feel Him. Yet it always made sense, because every time I was in one of those places, that was how it was. I never wanted it that way, but it just happened. It's all I'd ever known.
But now, as I said, all I've ever known seems to be being turned upside down. Almost three weekends ago, I went on a youth retreat with a few people from my old church. I don't know exactly what went down, but I know I just became extremely uncomfortable. Saddened. Smashed upside the head with a 2by4. I didn't understand then, and really, I don't yet understand now what is going on. I begged God to show me, tell me, anything. All He told me, the one night at the alter, was "Its gonna be ok Jo, we're gonna work through this together, I've got you, and you're gonna get through this." Me being as stubborn as I am wasn't exactly pleased with this answer then. But as the weeks have progressed, I've learned. What I'm going through is NOTHING I've ever known. I'm hurting so badly, and I'm definitely NOT ok. But I can still hear God, I can still feel Him, and those are two of the most awesome things I could ever have. God is holding me. He keeps telling me this. God is protecting me, heck I haven't been tempted with anything I used to do. God is THAT awesome. Though even as I type it out, I don't totally understand why nothing is as I've known it. My only explanation is that the impossible is possible with God. And I'm just thankful, and I'm just waiting on Him. It's rough, but I know its God.
Can I put two things in one blog? I don't think anyone would mind.
Last night, I had a long conversation with a friend. It was one of those not so pleasant ones, where you say what you know they need to hear, and worry about your friendship later. I'm not going to share the whole thing, but just ask a question. For me, being told that God loved me was enough. When I was told that God was my heavenly Father, and SO much better then my earthly father, I was completely astounded. I was so happy to finally know a Father that not only LOVED me, but LIKED me too! I always from then on, separated the two. Last night I was asked, or more posed the question of how does one separate the two. How does one relearn all they've been taught? I was told that she had always looked at her earthly dad, and what he did, and then took that, and pasted it on to what God must be like too. There was much more to it, but I think that's the gist of it. It came down to me telling them that it ends up just being a choice that you have to make. To choose to believe what the bible says, and what God has said. I was then told it just doesn't work that way, and I gave another suggestion, but I'd like to hear what you guys think on it.
