Lesson Learned.

So here I am, 21 years old. In my 21 years I've learned quite a few lessons. Some easy, some... not so much. For instance, learning to tie my shoes. Such a valuable lesson that I bet most of us take for granted. Or like when I was 8 and forged my moms signature on a note for gym class because I didn't want to play whatever game we were playing that day. Gosh, I thought I had the best hand writing in the world until I was grounded for 3 weeks. BUT, I've never forged my moms signature since then, tough lesson at 8, but I learned from it. OR again when I was 8 and I learned that putting tacks on a teachers chair because they kicked your butt at capture the flag is definitely going over the line when it come to pranks. Then when I was about 16,17,18 I learned the harsh effects of choosing homeschooling and slacking off ridiculous amounts. Three schools and several years later I was forced to make hard choices that will effect me for the rest of my life. Though I'm only 21, I already wonder how I'm going to tell my kids that they need to graduate high school without sounding like a complete and utter hypocrite. Truth is though, I learned from that as well. I learned that there is no easy way, just the hard way, and the harder way. Thankfully I'm not the only one who has ever slacked in school and I was able to earn my GED. I'm proud I got through that time, and now, I'm in college, a business major, and basically plan on ruling the world someday.

It's amazing to look back on all of that. What is even more amazing is to look back on it and be glad and thankful for it all happening. For learning to be honest and not forge my parents signature ever. For being able to tie my shoe and not trip and die. Although apparently untied shoe laces are only a small fraction of what causes tripping. I am even thankful for all the lessons learned throughout my high school years. I look back at all of this thinking GOSH, I sure wasn't thankful then. I hated it then. But now. Now I can look back and see what I've learned.

I love now, now that I'm 21, to look back and these points in my life. These points that I will remember and will be part of me for a long long time. To look back at the points where things changed. Recently I learned one of the biggest and probably most important lessons I will probably ever learn. This past August I went to a conference near Harrisburg, PA called Beautiful One. I don't remember if it was spoken about by one of the speakers, but I'm pretty sure it was. It was a simple, yet to me, powerful sentence. "Make a choice." Something click in my head, something clicked in my soul. I have a choice. It was explained like this: Our brains are wired like train tracks. The move a certain way, think certain things, and produce certain thoughts. Much like train tracks there is an ability to send some trains different ways then others. For instance happy thoughts probably travel different tracks then bad thoughts. With us being humans we tend to get into patterns. Traffic on the highway, bad thoughts. Snow on the ground, bad thoughts. Birth of a baby, happy thoughts. Raise at your job, happy thoughts. Now patterns are hard to break, especially with things we can't really physically control. It takes work, it takes paying attention to things you normally wouldn't. If one day though, you decide that traffic on the highway just gives you more time alone with Jesus or that the snow just isn't that bad, your mood may also change. It has to be a constant though, you've gotta break out the pickaxe and tear apart the train tracks and rebuild it facing a different direction. Soon though, the traffic won't be a bad thing, and the snow can be, dare I say it, fun.

To come to where I took this lesson though, was in my head. I looked at all the thoughts I always had about me. The ones I'm sure only came up because of the raging hormones teenagers deal with. The ones from stupid chapter 4. The ones that told me I'm not good enough. I'm too ugly. I'm too dumb. I'm too this, I'm too that. The ones that told me I would never make it to 18. I would never make it to 21. Something clicked though. All off a sudden something in me realized that if I put this effort in to tell myself that I AM good enough, and I am not stupid chapter 4. Eventually, I'd believe it. If every time I started thinking I was alone, I just stopped and said "I'm not alone, people love me, people care". Let me tell you, It works. Choosing a different thought works. It's not easy, but it works.

This here is a point in my life I will always remember. It's the point where I made a choice to make things better. It's the point where I decided I was good enough and that I mattered. That it wasn't a lie what all these people had been telling me, I'm loved. Don't get me wrong, things still happen, life is life. But choosing that I can choose how to react is amazing.

Trivial things don't have to defeat you.

not just a grain of salt

This post is SO long overdue.

For the past couple months I've been struggling with the concept of trust. No, I didn't say I was struggling with trust, but the concept of it. The dictionary definition of trust is: verb: to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something. noun: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

In my mind, when you say you trust someone, when you really truly trust someone, it means you could tell them your deepest, darkest secret, and have confidence that they would keep it a secret, or that if this said secret was something that needed to be brought to light, and they did so, you would accept that, and still trust them in that they did what was right. Did I loose you? I think I lost me. Anyway. Trust is something that is built over time, not grown in some lab overnight. To rely on a persons integrity, to rely on a persons ability, surety, to put your confidence in someone other then yourself. Thats not something to be handled lightly. This is your life we're talking about. Right? Funny thing is, this thing called trust could take years to build up, could take a lifetime. But with one slip, one misstep, it could all be lost, just like that. Or, could it be a choice to throw it away? Why is it the things we work so hard for, really on both ends, can be lost so easily? And once deception enters, once the trust is broken, the confidence lost, can it ever truly be completely built back. Would forgiveness ever completely erase something so devastating? If sin never entered the world, would we even have to deal with the whole idea of trust? I guess that question is pretty irrelevant 2000 some odd years later.

Like I said in the beginning, I'm not having trust issues. I'm not even really having issues with the concept of trust I guess. I suppose I'm really just wondering how one could spend so long building something, and then choose to throw it away. Maybe it wasn't a true choice, but when we look back the choices we made that led up to it were all choices we made.

I enjoy, and am SO ridiculously thankful for the people I have in my life that I can trust without even having to think about it. Trust is a powerful thing, don't make light of it.

Upside Down

Life is like a box of chocolates, so I'm told. Or a deck of cards. I'm gonna use the cards analogy (I don't wanna talk about chocolate it'll make me want it, lol). You get dealt good cards, you get dealt bad cards. Can you ever discard some? Can you ever pick some back up? (see, I was paying attention) Lately, my cards haven't exactly been great, but honestly, I'm not sure they've been terrible either.

(forgive me if some of this doesn't make sense, although I've been told what I say seems to make more sense then I think it does)

All I've ever known, since I started knowing things seems to be being turned upside down. I've been in dark places. I've hurt. I've hit rock bottom. I've been not even close to ok. Every time I've been in any of those places, God always seemed 10,000 miles away. I was always tempted till no end. I never could hear Him. I never felt like I could feel Him. Yet it always made sense, because every time I was in one of those places, that was how it was. I never wanted it that way, but it just happened. It's all I'd ever known.

But now, as I said, all I've ever known seems to be being turned upside down. Almost three weekends ago, I went on a youth retreat with a few people from my old church. I don't know exactly what went down, but I know I just became extremely uncomfortable. Saddened. Smashed upside the head with a 2by4. I didn't understand then, and really, I don't yet understand now what is going on. I begged God to show me, tell me, anything. All He told me, the one night at the alter, was "Its gonna be ok Jo, we're gonna work through this together, I've got you, and you're gonna get through this." Me being as stubborn as I am wasn't exactly pleased with this answer then. But as the weeks have progressed, I've learned. What I'm going through is NOTHING I've ever known. I'm hurting so badly, and I'm definitely NOT ok. But I can still hear God, I can still feel Him, and those are two of the most awesome things I could ever have. God is holding me. He keeps telling me this. God is protecting me, heck I haven't been tempted with anything I used to do. God is THAT awesome. Though even as I type it out, I don't totally understand why nothing is as I've known it. My only explanation is that the impossible is possible with God. And I'm just thankful, and I'm just waiting on Him. It's rough, but I know its God.

Can I put two things in one blog? I don't think anyone would mind.

Last night, I had a long conversation with a friend. It was one of those not so pleasant ones, where you say what you know they need to hear, and worry about your friendship later. I'm not going to share the whole thing, but just ask a question. For me, being told that God loved me was enough. When I was told that God was my heavenly Father, and SO much better then my earthly father, I was completely astounded. I was so happy to finally know a Father that not only LOVED me, but LIKED me too! I always from then on, separated the two. Last night I was asked, or more posed the question of how does one separate the two. How does one relearn all they've been taught? I was told that she had always looked at her earthly dad, and what he did, and then took that, and pasted it on to what God must be like too. There was much more to it, but I think that's the gist of it. It came down to me telling them that it ends up just being a choice that you have to make. To choose to believe what the bible says, and what God has said. I was then told it just doesn't work that way, and I gave another suggestion, but I'd like to hear what you guys think on it.

Old People Priorities.

The past few weeks have been like a game of Jenga. Let's see how many things we can pull out of Jo until she comes crashing down. Let's see how many bricks we can put on top of her before she caves under the pressure. GOSH. I always knew I didn't like that game. 

In the past, lets say... two weeks, I've learned a lot. Usually when you pray for something... You're not going to get the answer you expect. Friends rock. Dads... well I can't even go there yet... And through it all, God continues to amaze me. 

Recently, I've been feeling more and more... old. Not old like coughing, dying, wrinkled old, but growing up, feeling like I need to step it up old. I've been out of a job for basically since last march. Somehow every month I've been able to pay my phone bill, and any other expense that may have arose in that time. More recently though, I've been terribly strapped. The wonderful awesome baby-sitting job that I thought I had... let's just say I gave up on. I've been more seriously job hunting, and have applied to three places in the past few days. Here's where my point of the title comes in. haha. 

The idea of a long needed vacation came up when a friends aunt came up from another state, and liked her nieces friends so much, she invited them to come down for a week. Now to a parent, the idea of their child, even though they may be 18, driving 16+hours that far away from home isn't very heartwarming. So of course, the teenagers that we are came up with a different plan, more parent friendly. But when I was invited on this trip, I, instead of jumping on this opportunity to hang out with awesome friends, thought, "crap, I don't have a job, I can't go off having fun when I don't even have a job to pay for these things, I can't continue to ask my parents for money for these things.. I need to find a job..." So instead of jumping on this idea... all these things started lining up in my head. Sadly, a vacation with friends was at the bottom of this list... I answered them with a "If I don't have a job I can go... I guess..." Gosh, what a crappy friend I feel like. It's not that I don't want to hang out with them, I do... but I'm starting to see all these "Priorities" in my life, and starting to see where they fall, and more importantly, seeing them fall where they should be. 

Yes, there's more to the reasons I hesitated in my answer then just I need a job. No, I'm not gonna talk about them, mostly because I don't have the words to at this time. My friends gave me a time when I need to give them an answer by, and I'm trusting that if I'm supposed to go with them, that I won't hear back from these jobs until after I return.

I guess knocking over my game of Jenga multiple times is God's way of humoring Himself? heh, I guess as long as He keeps playing I'm ok with that...

A Little Longer

What can I do for you
What can I bring to you
What kind of song would you like me to sing
'Cause I'll dance a dance for you
Pour out my love to you
What can I do for you beautiful king
'Cause I can't thank you enough
'Cause I can't thank you enough 

(repeat twice more)

All of the words that I find
and I can't thank you enough
No matter how I try
and I can't thank you enough

Then hear you saying to me
Listen you, don't have to do a thing 
Just simply be with me 
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet 
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer

I hear you saying
You don't have to do a thing 
Just simply be with me 
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet 
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer

'cause I like to be with you a little longer

I love to be with you a little longer

'Cause I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

--I love this song...--

The Real Awkward Age.

Whomever said going from a kid to a teenager was a hard transition must've been 13. Seriously. I've been 18 for 6 months now, and this transition from kid to adult is confusing... to say the least. 

I mean, how do you do it? How do I get from where I am, to where God wants me. Yes. I know i'll get there in time, but that doesn't help. If I don't know what changes I'm supposed to make, what I'm supposed to do, if I keep on this same path, how am I going to get there? I'm not saying I'm on a bad path, I'm just saying how do I get to the next one. 

Ready for gut spillage? 

So I know God is calling me to be a youth leader of some sort, wether it's youthstaff, or pastor, or what, I don't know. Well, I guess I do for like... this coming year type deal, I know He wants me to be youthstaff. He told me this, quite bluntly, and I denied it, got angry at it, ignored it, got upset at it, got more angry and pissed off at it, and then gave in and accepted it. (for the most part.) But I'm so confused as to how. I don't know how I'm supposed to make the transition from youth, to youthstaff. The truth is I feel like the youthstaff are on a completely different level. They are the authority, and adults, and whatever else you wanna call them, and I don't know how I could fit in with that. How do I enter that level and feel accepted? I've known them for many many years, and entering that level with them would be as awkward as anything. I don't think I'd feel equal, because I'd still look up to them, and go to them with whatever, and I feel like I'd still be treated as a youth, as a kid, rather then what I'm supposed to be now. Am I supposed to stop that just because I was a youthstaff as well? I know they've all got their problems as well, hurts just don't go away because you're older now. I know this, but I feel like mine should. Like if I'm going to do this, I should be over everything. 

No, I'm not making excuses. I'm gonna do whatever God wants me to. I'm gonna go wherever He feels like taking me. It feels so awkward, and I'm so confused. 

I don't know if any of that made sense to anyone... but yeah.

First Blog. Welcome.

So, 

Bethany told me I should start a blog here, because... well I don't remember. But I decided to because I came to the conclusion that I hate myspace, so why post things on there anymore?. 

This will probably be a place where i'll most likely spill my guts... I'll most likely make excuses for it. I most likely will not write often, but hey, who knows. 

I've got an idea for a blog... but I need to think on it some more so it doesn't come out in some jumbled mess of words... although it probably will anyway. 

Alright. Goodnight folks.