Upside Down

Life is like a box of chocolates, so I'm told. Or a deck of cards. I'm gonna use the cards analogy (I don't wanna talk about chocolate it'll make me want it, lol). You get dealt good cards, you get dealt bad cards. Can you ever discard some? Can you ever pick some back up? (see, I was paying attention) Lately, my cards haven't exactly been great, but honestly, I'm not sure they've been terrible either.

(forgive me if some of this doesn't make sense, although I've been told what I say seems to make more sense then I think it does)

All I've ever known, since I started knowing things seems to be being turned upside down. I've been in dark places. I've hurt. I've hit rock bottom. I've been not even close to ok. Every time I've been in any of those places, God always seemed 10,000 miles away. I was always tempted till no end. I never could hear Him. I never felt like I could feel Him. Yet it always made sense, because every time I was in one of those places, that was how it was. I never wanted it that way, but it just happened. It's all I'd ever known.

But now, as I said, all I've ever known seems to be being turned upside down. Almost three weekends ago, I went on a youth retreat with a few people from my old church. I don't know exactly what went down, but I know I just became extremely uncomfortable. Saddened. Smashed upside the head with a 2by4. I didn't understand then, and really, I don't yet understand now what is going on. I begged God to show me, tell me, anything. All He told me, the one night at the alter, was "Its gonna be ok Jo, we're gonna work through this together, I've got you, and you're gonna get through this." Me being as stubborn as I am wasn't exactly pleased with this answer then. But as the weeks have progressed, I've learned. What I'm going through is NOTHING I've ever known. I'm hurting so badly, and I'm definitely NOT ok. But I can still hear God, I can still feel Him, and those are two of the most awesome things I could ever have. God is holding me. He keeps telling me this. God is protecting me, heck I haven't been tempted with anything I used to do. God is THAT awesome. Though even as I type it out, I don't totally understand why nothing is as I've known it. My only explanation is that the impossible is possible with God. And I'm just thankful, and I'm just waiting on Him. It's rough, but I know its God.

Can I put two things in one blog? I don't think anyone would mind.

Last night, I had a long conversation with a friend. It was one of those not so pleasant ones, where you say what you know they need to hear, and worry about your friendship later. I'm not going to share the whole thing, but just ask a question. For me, being told that God loved me was enough. When I was told that God was my heavenly Father, and SO much better then my earthly father, I was completely astounded. I was so happy to finally know a Father that not only LOVED me, but LIKED me too! I always from then on, separated the two. Last night I was asked, or more posed the question of how does one separate the two. How does one relearn all they've been taught? I was told that she had always looked at her earthly dad, and what he did, and then took that, and pasted it on to what God must be like too. There was much more to it, but I think that's the gist of it. It came down to me telling them that it ends up just being a choice that you have to make. To choose to believe what the bible says, and what God has said. I was then told it just doesn't work that way, and I gave another suggestion, but I'd like to hear what you guys think on it.

Old People Priorities.

The past few weeks have been like a game of Jenga. Let's see how many things we can pull out of Jo until she comes crashing down. Let's see how many bricks we can put on top of her before she caves under the pressure. GOSH. I always knew I didn't like that game. 

In the past, lets say... two weeks, I've learned a lot. Usually when you pray for something... You're not going to get the answer you expect. Friends rock. Dads... well I can't even go there yet... And through it all, God continues to amaze me. 

Recently, I've been feeling more and more... old. Not old like coughing, dying, wrinkled old, but growing up, feeling like I need to step it up old. I've been out of a job for basically since last march. Somehow every month I've been able to pay my phone bill, and any other expense that may have arose in that time. More recently though, I've been terribly strapped. The wonderful awesome baby-sitting job that I thought I had... let's just say I gave up on. I've been more seriously job hunting, and have applied to three places in the past few days. Here's where my point of the title comes in. haha. 

The idea of a long needed vacation came up when a friends aunt came up from another state, and liked her nieces friends so much, she invited them to come down for a week. Now to a parent, the idea of their child, even though they may be 18, driving 16+hours that far away from home isn't very heartwarming. So of course, the teenagers that we are came up with a different plan, more parent friendly. But when I was invited on this trip, I, instead of jumping on this opportunity to hang out with awesome friends, thought, "crap, I don't have a job, I can't go off having fun when I don't even have a job to pay for these things, I can't continue to ask my parents for money for these things.. I need to find a job..." So instead of jumping on this idea... all these things started lining up in my head. Sadly, a vacation with friends was at the bottom of this list... I answered them with a "If I don't have a job I can go... I guess..." Gosh, what a crappy friend I feel like. It's not that I don't want to hang out with them, I do... but I'm starting to see all these "Priorities" in my life, and starting to see where they fall, and more importantly, seeing them fall where they should be. 

Yes, there's more to the reasons I hesitated in my answer then just I need a job. No, I'm not gonna talk about them, mostly because I don't have the words to at this time. My friends gave me a time when I need to give them an answer by, and I'm trusting that if I'm supposed to go with them, that I won't hear back from these jobs until after I return.

I guess knocking over my game of Jenga multiple times is God's way of humoring Himself? heh, I guess as long as He keeps playing I'm ok with that...

A Little Longer

What can I do for you
What can I bring to you
What kind of song would you like me to sing
'Cause I'll dance a dance for you
Pour out my love to you
What can I do for you beautiful king
'Cause I can't thank you enough
'Cause I can't thank you enough 

(repeat twice more)

All of the words that I find
and I can't thank you enough
No matter how I try
and I can't thank you enough

Then hear you saying to me
Listen you, don't have to do a thing 
Just simply be with me 
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet 
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer

I hear you saying
You don't have to do a thing 
Just simply be with me 
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet 
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer

'cause I like to be with you a little longer

I love to be with you a little longer

'Cause I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

--I love this song...--

The Real Awkward Age.

Whomever said going from a kid to a teenager was a hard transition must've been 13. Seriously. I've been 18 for 6 months now, and this transition from kid to adult is confusing... to say the least. 

I mean, how do you do it? How do I get from where I am, to where God wants me. Yes. I know i'll get there in time, but that doesn't help. If I don't know what changes I'm supposed to make, what I'm supposed to do, if I keep on this same path, how am I going to get there? I'm not saying I'm on a bad path, I'm just saying how do I get to the next one. 

Ready for gut spillage? 

So I know God is calling me to be a youth leader of some sort, wether it's youthstaff, or pastor, or what, I don't know. Well, I guess I do for like... this coming year type deal, I know He wants me to be youthstaff. He told me this, quite bluntly, and I denied it, got angry at it, ignored it, got upset at it, got more angry and pissed off at it, and then gave in and accepted it. (for the most part.) But I'm so confused as to how. I don't know how I'm supposed to make the transition from youth, to youthstaff. The truth is I feel like the youthstaff are on a completely different level. They are the authority, and adults, and whatever else you wanna call them, and I don't know how I could fit in with that. How do I enter that level and feel accepted? I've known them for many many years, and entering that level with them would be as awkward as anything. I don't think I'd feel equal, because I'd still look up to them, and go to them with whatever, and I feel like I'd still be treated as a youth, as a kid, rather then what I'm supposed to be now. Am I supposed to stop that just because I was a youthstaff as well? I know they've all got their problems as well, hurts just don't go away because you're older now. I know this, but I feel like mine should. Like if I'm going to do this, I should be over everything. 

No, I'm not making excuses. I'm gonna do whatever God wants me to. I'm gonna go wherever He feels like taking me. It feels so awkward, and I'm so confused. 

I don't know if any of that made sense to anyone... but yeah.

First Blog. Welcome.

So, 

Bethany told me I should start a blog here, because... well I don't remember. But I decided to because I came to the conclusion that I hate myspace, so why post things on there anymore?. 

This will probably be a place where i'll most likely spill my guts... I'll most likely make excuses for it. I most likely will not write often, but hey, who knows. 

I've got an idea for a blog... but I need to think on it some more so it doesn't come out in some jumbled mess of words... although it probably will anyway. 

Alright. Goodnight folks.